Quotes by Steven Wright

• "A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it.'"
• "One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, 'Didn't you see the stop sign?' I said, 'Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.'"
• "You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time."
• "I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing."
• "I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age."
• "I have an answering machine in my car. It says, 'I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.'"
• "In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'Cut it out.'"
• "I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
• "Today I dialed a wrong number. The other person said, 'Hello?' and I said, 'Hello, could I speak to Joey?' They said, 'Uh, I don't think so...he's only 2 months old.' I said, 'I'll wait.'"
• "I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles."
• "The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
• "The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was."
• "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before."